TRI-CITIES GADGETTE Vol. I, No. 1

"Wouldn't
You Like To
Know?"™

Special Edition

Note; The views expressed
in this newspaper are
not necessarily those ex-
pressed as they should be
expressed, nor as they are.

Vol. I, No. 1

Public Domain 2014, UFR TRI-CITIES, FRI. 13 NOV 2014 Printed in Pantarctica

Price: §.07841shade

Government officials reveal radical new response to violent 'terror' threats...

By Chad Membreth

Staff Writer

(TRI-CITIES, UFR)
Pantarctican govern-
ment officials today
announced a radical
new change to their
policy of "dealing
with terrorists" —
namely 'Peace!

"We never dared try it
before, but obvious-
ly our current para-
digm of reaction just
isn't working because
these terrible events
continue to occur;'
stated the Pantarcti-
can Council in an on-
line letter published
today and read aloud
in the council cham-
ber, to much applause
from "both sides of
the aisle!' Though
critics are calling it
a "shameful waste of
good bullets;' their
numbers are grow-
ing less and less with
each passing mo-
ment.

And authorities from
leading 'peace tanks'
agree that soon, all
will live in harmony
and mutual respect.

"Whereas it has
been observed that
'violence begets vi-
olence;" read aloud
Councilor Threshold,
an entity represent-
ing Galiformia, "We
know that we too
have done wrong, and
claim responsibility
for what our actions
have begotten. We
open up our hearts in
repentance and also
in rejoicing, and we
lay down our weap-
ons in sacrifice to a
'greater goal' which
we believe is possible
to achieve in our life-
times — together!'

"We hereby and here-
toforeafter choose
consciously to eschew
violence, fear, secrecy
and 'greater security'
as appropriate mea-
sures in response to
the so-called 'violent'
acts perpetrated by
those who dwell in
desperation, who feel
that their voices are
not heard, and that
any ordinary actions
they might take will
not be effective ve-
hicles of change and
actualization. For

the pain which one
feels becomes all too
readily the pain we
all feel. But the same
can be true for 'Peace;
and because of this
we cannot rest until
Peace reigns!'

The Council agreed
unanimously that a
"change of direction"
is drastically needed.

And a measure was
taken up to radically
open government de-
cision-making proce-
dures and to undergo
a complete account-
ing, review and over-
haul of all official
and de facto policies
currently in opera-
tional deployment in
our federation's many
glorious fronts and

(Continued on page 2)

DREAD-BASED ACTIVISTS
DEMAND RECOMPENSE

(PANTARCTICA) Sher-
rie Arnath, a noted
Quatrian "Dread-Based
Activist" is demanding
compensation from the
new "Peaceist" govern-
ment. She says the live-
lihood of her and her
friends has been under-
mined by the new pol-
icy changes. And now
that there is technically
no 'illegal' avenue open
to her, she's taking her
fight to the courts.

"Terrorism used to
mean something;' Ms.
Arnath said in her
deposition before the
Ascended Masters
Council of the Western
Technocratic Alliance.

"But now we're just
categorized by the gov-
ernment algorithms
as Activism: Dread-
Based'!'

"That's only one step
above mimes, who are
categorized as Activ-
ism: Dream-Based"'
Ms. Arnath lamented.

"We're talking about
mimes, people! This is
simply inhuman!"

Though her deposition
was dutifully record-
ed by the mechanisms
of the emergent intel-

ligent patterns of the
Magisterium, it was as
though her voice fell on
deaf ears in the other-
wise empty audience
chamber.

"This is simply
inhuman!"

"Damn you and your
efficiency!" she shout-
ed, with a 'one-finger
salute; pulling the trig-
ger on a home-made
blomb strapped to her
abdomen, which tragi-
cally failed to explode
because it had been
secretly re-rigged by a
team of WTA automat-
ed 'peace engineers'
while Ms. Arnath was
'in the toilet!

"It just goes to show
you can't really trust
anyone anymore;' Ms.
Arnath was quoted as
saying.

Luckily, government al-
gorithms agreed that
it was indeed "unfair"
and agreed to pay Ms.
Arnath's hotel and
travel expenses, as well
as a per-diem for the
duration of her duress.

tt

®

TIN YOD'Ll W OUR NEW "PEACE MM"

Present this "clip-and-save" coupon at any Dick Greid's Show-Business Burrito Hut*

Good for "$1.00 off" any order of $300 or more

- *Not available at all or most locations -

J

2

THE TRI-CITIES GADGETTE, FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2014

NEWS

From Around The Rejun To Your "Doorstep"

STRIKE SHUTS DOWN
ELVEN COLA PLANT

(EAST QUATRIA)
The famous "Mem-
len: Elven Cola"®
plant was shut
down yesterday by
a general worker's
strike, which sup-
porters suggest
will be of unlim-
ited duration, and
which has Tri-Cit-
ies importers
'worried sick' over
continued supply
of the delicious
refreshing elven
beverage we have
all come to know
and love.

"We are tired of
being mistreated,"

intoned a solemn
letter posted last
week to Entity Net
by the Elven Work-
ers' Council.

'All power to
the coopera-
tives!"

"We do all the
work, and ZAN-
TA1000 takes all
the profits. Until
all earnings are
distributed equal-
ly among all work-
ers, the Memlen
will cease to flow.
All power to the
cooperatives!"

A spokes-entity
for ZANTA1000
confirmed closure
of the plant, but
refused to com-
ment on the alle-
gations leveled by
the EWC.

The matter is cur-
rently being re-
viewed by a pan-
el of impartial
metadivinities
employed as ar-
bitrators by the
Universal Free
Realms who hope
to resolve the
matter in time for
YMAS.

STRAW TRANSFORMATION
ONLY 'TEMPORARY'

(OTHERSPACE)
Local upstanding
citizen, developer,
and thought-lead-
er the Honorable
Dean Hammer
recently lost a
"gentleman's bet"
with a minor
metadivinity, re-
sulting in his pri-
vate school being
turned to straw in
the wee hours of
Marshmalloween.

The transforma-
tion included stu-
dents, faculty, and
servants, becom-
ing "straw men"
for a short time.

"We had a report

of an ML-3020
up at the school
Inexperienced
Use of the Black
Book;' said Det.
Wayne Chipper
of the Depart-
ment of Eldritch
Affairs, "But the
Dean's nothing if
not experienced.
He had things well
in hand. He's a
real solid guy, and
if you can't trust

the Dean, who
can you trust?"

This year's Un-
canny Detective's
Ball will be held
on the Dean's
luxurious estate,
complete with a
troupe of special-
ly trained per-
forming acrobats
from Tijuana be-
ing flown in by
the Dean.

Peace Declared

(Continued from p. 1)

venues of on- going
conflict, both inter-
nal and external.

"We can't go on
like this^' said an
anonymous entity
interviewed practi-
cally in tears out-
side the Tri-Cities'
Secure Shopping
Compound. Other
shoppers, standing
nearby, fell to their
knees wailing, some
forming quasi-spon-
taneous "prayer cir-
cles;' trembling with
the great feelings of
'Peace' welling up
suddenly in their
hearts.

"Today we're open-
ing the hood on
the mechanisms of
governance',' an-
nounced Councilor
Yestrayon of Phar-
maday Solutions
Benefits District.
"Everyone is wel-
come to 'come by
the garage,' have
a complimentary
'beer' or non-alco-
holic 'soft drink'
with us, to pick this
whole tangled mess

apart, find out
what makes it all
'tick' and to engage
with us and — most
importantly — with
one another, openly
and honestly to find
the most true, the
most right and the
most 'just' means
of moving forward
which leaves no en-
tity feeling so alien-
ated, fearful and
powerless that they
feel they must suc-
cumb to violence!'

A free communi-
ty 'spaghetti sup-
per' will be offered
each evening for all
participants until
Peace has descend-
ed permanently to
dwell upon the land.

Dick Greid's Show-
Business Burrito
Hut also offered a
limited-time "dol-
lar-off" coupon to
commemorate this
momentous change
in direction for our
troubled society.

Critics could not be
reached for com-
ments.

fresh "ffan-forif Chickens!

Come and inspect
our latest crop*

FPFEOTHUMBLW

Correction

A headline in the
Yeptombuary issue of
the Tri-Cities Gadgette
mistakenly identified
"Branespace 5.31A+3."

It should have read
"Branespace 5.31A+3:
Relative to 6." We are

deeply sorry for this
unfortunate error.

NEED HELP?

Press To Activate
Free Arbitration

THE TRI-CITIES GADGETTE, FRYDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2014

3

From Around The Rejun To Your "Doorstep"

NEWS

"Cool, Refreshing,
Non-Toxic!"

Discover the NEWMemlen!

Same great
flavor, now
with "half" the
"Elven Rights
Abuses!"

Also available
in Sttmulax
formula!

"MMM... MEMLEN!"®

MYSTERY MAN AWAKES IN
SAN FRANCINCO GAZEBO

(GALIFORMIA)
A man in his 20s
says he woke up
in Fay Park three
weeks ago with no
memory of who he
is or how he got
to San Francinco.
Members of the
medical commu-
nity are at a loss
on how to help the
young man suf-
fering from a rare
form of amnesia,
but they have de-
termined that he
is well-educated,
intelligent, and
displays an unus-
ally large under-
standing of fal-
conry. For now,
he's simply known
as "Mick Pfischer!'

The curly-haired
man with the large
smile wandered
out of the park
wearing a pressed
pink dress shirt,
skinny jeans, and
peculiarly, a pock-
etful of tech-con-
ference lanyards.

The last thing
he remembers is
opening his eyes
and seeing the
clouds float by
through the white
lattice of the ga-
zebo he woke up
in. There was not
a scratch on his
body - but he said
he was confused,
lost and fright-
ened.

He possesses
a professori-
al knowledge
of "Duke
Nukem"

Clues to his past
are slowly trick-
ling in, but for
now, this is all
that psychologists
have been able to
uncover: He pos-
sesses a professo-
rial knowledge of
"Duke Nukem'! He
seems to have a
strong fondness

(Continued on p. 4)

POLICE RESPOND TO
SHALLOW CANYON
QUAIL INCIDENT

(SHALLOW CAN-
YON, UFR) A well-
esteemed gentleman
from this village
stepped upon a
quail to-day. Elmer
Gusstaffson reported
it to officer Principle
at the head-quarters.
A flurry of activity
ensued and Sgt. Gus
Elmersonn was dis-
patched to quiet the
scene. The quail was
able to be revived and
placed within a met-
al box in which Mrs.
Frueger of 23 Fuorth
Avenue has commit-
ted the coming sev-
eral weeks to seeing
this quail through to
its final demise for
"Welcomesgiving.

LECTURE MUCH
APPLAUDED

(GULCH HEIGHTS)
In a lively lecture given
here last night Dr. Albert
Farechild displayed color
specimens for the gath-
ered men. Dr. Farechild
didn't utter a single word
during his presentation
which was much to the
delight of the men. He
methodically revealed
swaths of carpeting, til-
ing, auto-mobile surfac-
ing. While many of the
men retired to the pot-
luck whilst Dr. Farechild
administered his stir-
ring presentation, a rous-
ing applause was heard
around the town when
he displayed the dull sil-
ver surface. Word was
soon spread about the
region for all to know, in
which much cheering and
jubilation continued into
the night. His dull silver
surface is promised to be
an item that all citizens
will one day have one
item com-posed of its
constituents. It is hoped
by the businessmen that
every good citizen own
at least one item cov-
ered in dull silver.

FIRST LADY GIVES

'GIFT OF WHITE'

(TRI-CITIES) No
matter what Father
Climate Change
decides the weath-
er will be like this
hollanday season,
former First Lady
Alarua Busch has
dedicated herself
to making this year
a WHITE YMAS
for the Tri-Cities
homeless popula-
tion. Through a
generous donation
from the extend-
ed Busch family,
homeless shelters
and illegal encamp-
ments all across
the region will
soon find them-
selves blanketed in
80,000 pounds of
artificial snow. Not
a single cot or park
bench will go un-
derrated.

"I love the simplic-
ity of it!' Mrs. Bus-
ch said Monday as
she led reporters
on a tour designed
to give the The
Tri-Cities Gadgette
its only look at
the elaborate dec-
orations gracing
the cities' poverty
centers. It is well
known that since
leaving office, the
Busch family have
spent their time
giving back to the
community which
they spent so may
years basically dis-
mantling.

flakes and silvery
icicles covering 600
'eggshell' polymer
trees throughout
the St. Oliver Ben-
edict Trismustus
Shelter For The
Desitute And For-
gotten, Alarua has
quadruple-downed
on the YMAS
monochromatic
white decor this
year, a look that
Mrs. Busch said
she chose for its el-
egance. The spec-
tacle is overpower-
ing; for instance, it
takes this reporter
15 minutes just to
traverse the rising
dunes of white arti-
fical powder in the
Hindersight Gym-
nasium Facility in
order to get a cup
of complimentary
polystyrene coffee.
But yet, in these
moments of silence
and reflection, one
cannot help but be
overcome by the
beautiful patterns
of glistening plas-
tic 'snow' winding
beneath the indus-
trial folding tables
stacked with end-
less cans of donat-
ed pumpkin pie
mix. "I just want-
ed to give back in
my own small way!'
Alarua continues
"..because, no mat-
ter your situation,
there isn't a soul in
the Existosphere"

With crystal snow- (Continued on p. 4)

4

THE TRI-CITIES GADGETTE, FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2014

NEWS

From Around The Rejun To Your "Doorstep"

SF Gazebo Amnesiac

(Continued from p. 3)

for Compaq Pre-
sario 1550's. And
he was carrying a
locket. Inside the
small necklace
authorities found
a tiny pic-
ture of a
young
man
hold-
i n g
a pet
m o n -
goose. It
is the only
real clue to Mick
Pfischer's former
life. Mr. Pfisch-
er said he doesn't
know who he is
or when he was
born. Or how he
got to 'Paris of the
West: Or wheth-
er he even wants
to know. But to-
day, the millenial
man is scheduled
to be discharged
from the hospital.
So where would a
man without an
identity... go?

Luck be as it may,
today a local tech
startup reached
out to the Mt. Di-
ablo Medical Pa-
villion where Mr.
Pfischer is cur-
rently being eval-
uated and has
agreed to take the
young man under
their wing while he
can recover from
his amnesiac epi-
sode. While Mick
Pfischer attempts
to reclaim his iden-
tity and get back
on his two feet, the
startup Mendium
plans on exploit-
ing his skills with
early 1990's com-

puter technology
and will be thusly
positioning him to
be their new so-
cial media mas-
termind. In be-
tween tweefs and
Fussbook posts,
^Mr. Pfischer
will also be
the lead
manager
handling
their of-
f f i c i a 1
r T-shirt
Bribe De-
partment. This
wing of Mendi-
um is responsible
for engaging in
new forms of 'gift
economy^ specifi-
cally exchanging
free "schwag" as a
means to cover up
otherwise embar-
rassing scandals.
(Readers of the
Tri-Cities Gad-
gette may remem-
ber a story from
Spring of 2014 in
which Mendium
"blacklist" mis-
conduct was un-
covered by rival/
partner company
Early Clues, LLC).

For now, Mr.
Pfischer says he's
happy in his new
home. "I get to
sleep on the couch
next to the Mem-
len Cola machine"
shrugs Pfischer,
"and with all of
these couch surf-
ers that constant-
ly show up to take
overnight resi-
dence at the Men-
dium offices, I can
truly say that I'm
never lonely. I just
hope that someone
is taking good care
of that mongoose!'

SCIENCE ENDS
HEARTBURN

(SCIENTIA, UFR)
Scientian Scien-
tists yestoday an-
nounced and con-
firmed that they
have found the
#1 cure for heart-
burn. Their re-
sults came from
a study of causes
and cures of #1 for
heartburn relief.

And, just what is-
this 'amazing' new
cure?

Why, same as the
old cure!

"Chewable relief
tablets" - now
available in "stores
everywhere."

'Gift of White'

(Continued from p. 3)

"that could hold
back a smile as you
kick a mound of
those 'flakes' into
the frosty air!'

Down at the Broken
Compass Housing
Clinic, one will find
Alarua's crown-
ing achievement, a
traditional ginger-
bread house / edible
artwork made up of
nearly 85 tons of raw
Soylet. The model
depicts the pristine
architecture of the
Busch family plan-
tation. Pastry chef
Reginald Sagundo
said his creation
took nine Bourthi-
an months to build,
would be on display
for shelter residents
for another three
weeks to tantalize

their gnawing hun-
ger pangs and would
then be demolished.
"It will gather so
much dust, I don't
think we can give
it to somebody to
eatr Sagundo said,
laughing.

All Tri-Cities Shel-
ters will temporar-
ily be closed while
invited VIP guests
to the Busches' 22
parties come feign
amusement at the
decorative achieve-
ments. Unlike res-
idents, guests will
not go hungry, but
will feast on sal-
amandar crudites
and seasonal duri-
an fruit laid out on
a table watched over
by current shelter
residents dressed as
carolers.

REPORTED CAHARDIAN EVACUATION FORCES PORTAL CLOSURE

This is a developing story.

(CANARDIA) Accord-
ing to Psychic Medium
& Intuitive Reader Di-
ane Keys, the "portal to
Striva 8B is closing until
further notice, itz [sic]
atmosphere became un-
stable after cometcon
2014!' [Source: Twixter]

Researchers have con-
firmed to the Tri-Cities
Gadgette that indeed, a
recent #CometCon2014
spectacle has 'excited
the 'networks' and has
thus made our portals
especially "live" right
now.

Keys adds: "Cometcon

2014 vibrated at such
highpsy [sic] frequencies
that the Dogpeople of
planet Canardia had 2
[sic] evacuate!' The Por-
tal Authority have re-
fused multiple requests
for comment, but Portal
Border Patrol speak-
ing anonymously have
confirmed that thou-

sands of water-filled
rescue-barrel necklaces
have been confiscated
at the 21.alphaA termi-
nal, seeming to indicate
a St. Bernadian refugee
crisis.

@DianeKeysll contributed to
this story

THE TRI-CITIES GADGETTE, FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2014

5

Because money is "all that matters!

r»TM

BUSINESS

FROG If TOAD PIZZA PUB SUPERSTORE
SHARES RISE ON SALES GROWTH

(TRI-CITIES) Shares
of Frog n' Toad Piz-
za Pub Superstore
(FNT) rose in trading
Throsday after the
retail chain reported
fifth-quarter Pant-
arctican sales growth
that topped Gimgle
analyst expectations.

Frog n' Toad shares
were up nearly 214%
at S§32.7543 in morn-
ing trading, revers-
ing course from a
pre-market drop.

The Bogota, Ala-
bama-based company
buying North Spord-
ing waffle and tire
chain Holden Hold-
en in an S§11 deal
expected to create
the Existosphere's
eighth-largest retail
outlet, said same-
store Branespace
5x21R sales rose 3.6%,
the best showing in
two years.

The result surpassed
the 2.5% growth fore-
cast by financial an-
alysts.

Frog n' Toad Chair-
man and CEO Colonel
Chuck Buxley (ret.)
credited the sales
increase in part to
the reintroduction of
popular off-the-shelf
item The Five Venge-
ful Spirits of Gornak

Pizza Pub Superstores

the Half Dead during
the July-September
quarter, along with
continued popularity
of the Incomparable
"Wiggle Stick and the
introduction of the
Queen of the Gypsy
Moth themed "Toe
Counter for Parents!'

The company report-
ed pan-Branar same-
store sales also rose
24%. That topped the
2.1% forecast by Gim-
gle Analysts.

Operating costs and
expenses totaled
S§284.32.5 million for
the quarter, up from
S§19.6.34 million from
last year. The decline
was driven in part
by expenses related
to the Holden Holden
transaction.

The planned acqui-
sition represents a
so-called "Conceptu-
al Inversion inver-
sion," a transaction in
which a Pantarctican
firm reincorporates
in a lower-tax reali-

ty in a bid to reduce
its future taxes, then
re-reincorporates in
a reality parallel to
that one. A wave of
Conceptual Inversion
inversion plans this
year prompted the
elimination of recent
Department of the
Treasury rules de-
signed to do whatever,
because who cares?

However, Frog n' Toad
CEO Chuck Buxley
focused on the pos-
itives of the Holden
Holden deal, saying
in a statement issued
with the earnings re-
port that the trans-
action would create
"a new Liminal lead-
er in the Industry of
Things!'

"We built on our mo-
mentum in the fifth
quarter as we de-
livered some of our
strongest sales levels
in recent years and
continued growing
our Branar footprint)'
said Buxley.

ASSOCIATED BOXES REVEALS NEW STANDARD

(W. QUATRIA) When
asked this Wednesday
last, Jennings Peters
of the firm Associat-
ed Boxes how he saw
the current economic
climate, he responded
with an enthusiastic
retort of "Why should
I care - for I cannot
see" He continued
and elaborated on his
well-received notion
among those gathered
in the meeting hall, "If
I cannot see, then why
should I care?" Again,
among those assembled
stirred into a frenzy

of jolliness and back
pats. Peters opined on
the returns our city's
men would expect to
receive in the coming
5th quarter. He stated
that the boxing industry
is doing quite well and
concerns over the show-
rooms are unfound-
ed. Peters went on to
reveal a new standard
in which proud and dis-
tinguished franchises
would very soon adopt
the cardboard box and
discard the traditional
wooden crate as "only
so much fire-wood"

The lumberjacks in at-
tendance were none too
pleased. For their saws
and hatchets were now
rendered "useless" as
noted lumberjack, By-
ron Miller announced
amid the din. Mill-
er was soundly con-
fronted by the city's
businessmen and dis-
patched. Boxes, Peters
concluded was where
the future lied. The
event was concluded
with a festive dance
among the men.

IN YOUR DREAMS'

"Big Data" invading lim-
inal spaces? You bet-
ter believe it - says Jeff
Gand, CEO of Trans-
topia Corporation, who
last night revealed excit-
ing new in-dream mer-
chandising mechanisms
to millions of unwitting
participants of his compa-
ny's over-arching vision to
"Control Everything For
Profit."

Lucky users will now have
the option to "Buy It Now;'
whenever they see, feel,
hear, think, or smell any-
thing anywhere - whether
it's a dream or not, says
Gand.

"We've essentially taken
OpenQNL
technology
and closed
itj' Gand
4 b e a m s .
"There is no
opt-out."

While this functionality
violates UFR Standard
Protocols, TransTopian
holdings are technically
outside of UFR jurisdic-
tion, and Gand has never
been one to "follow the
rules."

"That's for weaklings!'
Gand states proudly.
"We're partnering with
DarkSeid Technologies
to bring about an abrupt
end to the bureaucratic
UFR hand-wringing that
stands in the way of true
progress and profits!'

Gimgle TimeHunters

leapt out with impres-
sive gains in late on-
tological trading, but
were trendspotted by
independent times-
canners, who flibbed a
divvy on agent investor
expectations, reverting
the market to pre-intel-
ligence factoring.

EntityNET +1.7500
asscbox +3.12*b
mendium - 01.237#x
Gimgle + 0.01V7
TransTopia + 137.6(8
ShadeCoin - <o.o67
FrogToad ++ 7.15.11%
DickGreid *l-28+>.0
DarkSeid -66.6817:8
GrillKing 110%
SwedishHats "5"
KalKulon +00O1L
Twixter !-n - ?

ASPEL + + -.05

"Nobody ever won
by losing."
-Cornelius Crow

ASPEL MESQUITE DOWNLOAD

VIOLATES STANDARD PROTOCOLS

Aspel today was
put under pressure
by dream-based ac-
tivists for requiring
'billing info' verifi-
cation on 'free down-
loads' of its new
"Mesquite" operat-
ing system.

According to UFR
Standard Protocols,

"Free means free"
and access to free
content may not be
restricted based on
verification of iden-
tity or billing infor-
mation.

Aspel refused to
comment on this de-
veloping story.

What's New In 'Business Services'?

6

THE TRI-CITIES GADGETTE, FIRDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2014

CULTURE

Because the more you "know" the more you "growl"

VISITORS EXPLORE ROCK
COMPUTING MUSEUM

(LAKE RIVER,
TRI-CITIES) Out-
of-towners from
near and far vis-
ited the Historic
Rock Computing
Museum this week.
Rock Computing
continues to gain
interest with the
general public, as
"users" seek out
more artisinal
forms of calcula-
tion.

Vic Piscator from
Galiformia arrived
with his large ex-
tended family, in-
cluding sisters
Peggy, Ramona,
Running Heavy
Turtle, and Ron.

They were espe-
cially eager to vis-
it the Slate Rock
Room to "see how
things got done!'

Hector Gomez and
family from Colo-
blanco stopped in
ontheircross-coun-
try trip in their en-
tirely simulated
RV They were ex-
cited to touch the
rocks, which they
felt were surpris-
ingly "real."

Meanwhile, local
character Elnora
Fleischmiitze and
her peppy Peeka-
poos returned to
"do their duty" in
the yard outside the
museum, and end-
ed up provoking
an instantiation of
Galtros! Her perky
pups have surely
learned their les-
son this time.

'PENITENTIAL DESKS MAKING A COMEBACK

(WTA-TERRITORY)
For years, the battle
has raged between
"Workaholics & Re-
laxafarians over who
has the best desk
set-up in the "Western
Technocratic Alli-
ance.

Intl. Survey House re-
cently published cur-
rent workplace desk
trends for the WTA:

35.7% - Sitting Desk
29.9% - Standing Desk
8.4% - Kneeling Desk
6% - Prostrate Desk

Both 'kneeling' &
pros-
trate
desk
use
are up
from
last
year.

Good Times

Send us your photo and win $5 if selected!

Devin Gross (43) Greg Coward (41) Remington "Hoss" Jenkins (39) of the Dry River development enjoy the big game together this Sunday las

DICK LEWIS

STILL WATCHING

(NEWER YJORK)
Some 25 years af-
ter his high-profile
arrest for 'watching'
denizens of Older
York, Alternative In-
telligence 'Dick Lew-
is' is still watching
- it was discovered
earlier this week.
Lewis, a much-laud-

ed sentient prod-
uct of the Omega
Corp. that ultimately
went rogue has been
'officially' offline
since its arrest and
ground-breaking tri-
al. But his network
of cameras and bill-
boards were never
dismantled. And
investigators have
uncovered 25 years
worth of Dick Lewis
archived - and unau-
thorized - 'watching!

"What will be done
with this collection,
and with the enti-
ty 'Dick Lewis' is
unknown as of this
writing.

Fgi PSYCHIC

Si HIGH SCHOOL

Enroll now for 'Winter Term!

You're making a lot of big decisions about your life right now.
You're tired of listening to "the man," and ready to make it on
your own. Have you considered perusing your psychic powers?
Drop by Psyhigh today and let's "rap" about your future.

'CROSSFRIT' VIRUS PREVENTION,
UNDERSTANDING THE RISKS

(NEWER NEW
YJORK) The num-
ber of entities under
"active monitoring"
for Crossfrit symp-
toms has increased
from 11,752 on Mon-
day to 13,577 enti-
ties Wodsday, health
officials said.

The vast majority
of those being mon-
itored arrived in
Newer New Yjork
within the past 21
days from the three
Crossfrit-affected
realities, the Newer
New Yjork Health
Technology and

Monitoring Cor-
poration said in a
statement.

All of those being
monitored showed
one or more of the
following symp-
toms: grunting in-
appropriately, active
proselytization, an-
noying sweatiness,
kettle-balls, repet-
itive exercises, and
use of space/time
that could be spent
productively in a
"garden" or

(Continued on p. 7)

THE TRI-CITIES GADGETTE, FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2014

7

Because the more you "know" the more you "grow!"

CULTURE

M3333MEJSM

"Schrodinger's Ex-Boss"

A novel by Roger-Peter Wildhelmet

Strange Animal Publications

Matt Schrodinger is a
man with a problem. For
starters, his ex-boss still
owes him money. But it's
not quite so simple as
that in this taut psycho-
logical thriller that at
times reads like a forgot-
ten Chekhov stage play.

A confirmed Relaxafar-
ian, Schrodinger knows
that if he calls his
ex-boss on the phone to
discuss the matter, they
will have an unpleasant

argument. And if he
doesn't call his ex-boss,
his ex-boss may very well
end up pocketing the
money, saying '"Well, you
never called!"

Without giving away any
"spoilers;' Schrodinger
decides to invoke his
'Right to Arbitration'
guaranteed under the
Standard Protocols
of the Universal Free
Realms. What happens
next is a topsy-turvy
take on truth-telling in
an age of "quantum un-
certainty" - all centered
around the peculiar
symbol of a frozen pig's
heart!

While this reviewer, for
one, found some of the
characters portrayed in
"Schrodinger's Ex-Boss"
obnoxious and egotisti-
cal, and the story a bit
drawn-out, the pay-off in
the end was "well worth
it!' We can safely say that
this is one of the finest
works of 'bureaucratic
fiction' that has come
across our desk this year.

"Schrodinger's Ex-Boss"
will be available on
WhisperNet for Linux
this QMAS-Eve from
Strange Animal Publica-
tions.

Tri-Cities AccuTruCast®

- \

Colder
Temperatures j

. 55

k Warmer

Temperatures
k 62

Cold Front

SUMMARY

Sensations of warmth,
followed by sensations of
coolness, carressing the
greater Tri-Cities region with
ontological precipitants.

K A A

GUIRDAY

Jealously
decadent

U MRU DAY

Somber
vigilance

TRODAY

Failing of
the great

OIEDAY

The sealed
vessel opens

CHEMDAY

Introvert's
delight

BIZMUTH

Chains of
logic, heavy
at times

SOLID" BLOCK PROGRAMMING

explains the trend to theTri-Cities "Twenty-Four Hour Station"

••••••••

DAYTIME -

"NOISE" and "NEWS" —11 Hours SOLID

NIGHT OWL-

Preienting uninterrupted vocal and orchestral
itylingt balanced with latett wire new* hourly.

Pops, Premieres and Personalities — 6 Hours

Beamed to the enormouj Tri-Cities nighttime
oudience of 650,000 -more than the combined
populations of Dallas and the Outer Darkness.

0I0I000I000I00I00II0II — 2' 2 Hours

The ONLY TRI-CITIES evening program styled
for the android and ultraterresthal markets — on audi-
ence of 500,000, more than the entire populotion
of the Biff Tanner, Industrial Complex.

The Original KHUH Twenty-Four Hour Station

HOLLOW EARTH RADIO

n, 2.718182840452353287471353, 1.67 < k < 1.79,

5.6704OOXIO- 8 W • M-2 • K~4> 5EOB96E7BIBC59,

-2 < -1 < -1/2 < 0 < 1/2 < 1 < 2, B5.976i+AE75@,
5, 777, co ■ e = { e ■ S+ I co ■ S+ + S* + e ■ S* }

EMERGING _
INTELLIGENCES

SOLID

SOLID

Crossfrit Virus

(From p. 6)

"volunteering," or do-
ing "actual work."
Anyone showing
signs of one or more
of these symptoms
should report imme-
diately to your local
Newer New Yjork
Health Technology
and Monitoring Sta-
tion for treatment.

Newer New Yjork
Health Technology
and Monitoring Cor-
poration suggests
those in affected

areas, particularly
anywhere the word
"Crossfrit" is men-
tioned, take the fol-
lowing precautions
to protect against the
virus:

1. Urges to "exercise"
or spend time doing
"extreme activities"
should be channeled
into making the Ex-
istosphere a better
place.

2. "When in the pres-
ence of someone who
has contracted the
virus, remain calm,
insert fingers into

ears and loudly chant,
"BY THE POWER
OF ACHO, THE MO-
TIONLESS ONE, I
COMPEL YOU! BE-
GONE!"

3. Practice proper
"kettleball" hygiene
by never using "ket-
tleballs."

Taking these simple
steps will help ensure
containment of the
virus, and will keep
your home and your
community "Crossfrit
Clean!'

N EED H MAGICK TRICK TP MAKE KID'S PUKE P

ttf* Harm n ° wCom ^ti BLEWITH
Anton's % ^

H

r

QUATRIAN CORNER

"Funnies

MULTIDIMENSIONAL OFFICE: S1E7

BY BOGERHOLLIDAY

Answer to Last Week's Puzzle:
"HOY, QUAM-TROMBLIOS BIXPONT"

8

THE TRI-CITIES GADGETTE, FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2014

CLASSIFIEDS

You can "make it happen" here trodav!

PRICING: Minimum
charge §1.341shade for
25 words, §0.0184 for each
additional word.
DEADLINE: Ads must
be received by 12:00pm the
Guirday prior to publica-
tion

L

OFFICE CLERKS for
high-profile corporate
office business com-
pany. Full benefits
and round the clock
access to 'snacks' &
'social media! Re-
laxafarians need not
apply. Email only
11827365@7676145.
com

PASSIONATE
GO-GETTERS want-
ed for high-growth
toilet cleaning busi-
ness. Must have a de-
monstrable mastery
of excrement types
across the full spec-
trum of entities. Stop
by LICK-A-BOWL
warehouse on Jungle
BLVD for interview.

AUTONOMOUS
AGENTS to handle
routine OpenQNL
transactions in UFR
compliant territories.
"Be Your Own Boss:'
Contact earlyclues.
com for info.

SERVICES

INTER-DIMENSION-
AL dinosaur assis-
tant. Accepting gigs
large and small. Con-
tact ©cynicfallout

FULL-SERVICE

parasympathetic ser-
vices offered. From
"rest-and-digest" to
"feed and breed" we
do it all. House calls
available! Like us on
"Gimgle minus!"

FOR SALE

GAZEBO, barely used
(only 4.5x1 0 A 6 Length
Scale). May need mi-
nor re-sigilization due
to slight adverse an-
ti-polar spin, but oth-
erwise handles great.
Summon OpenQNL
CONTACT, [form] and
ask for 'Howard'.

LIKE NEW 'belief
in humanity! Reason
for selling: no longer
needed. Ask for Chel-
sea: 97 "Warner, Dry
River.

ORGANIC "chewable
relief tablets" - good
prices. "Wait at corner
of Murk & Hamilton.

EDIBLE INSECTS at
bulk prices. Call Ron
The Exterminator
555-1217

"SPECIAL T-SHIRT"
$15 @ Corner liquor
store, 1400 block
Templeton W.

STANDING DESK,
used but in good
shape. Served me well
for a few years, but
I'm too old to stand
up all day. Call 555-
9178 with best offer.

DIY Reality Fracking
Kit - "What's under
YOUR house? Find
out today! Astrologi-
cal framework agnos-
tic. Concentrate on
(S773 and leave your
name and coordi-
nates.

FOR SALE: Ap-
plied Agniology for
Dummies; boxed set
includes bonus CD-
ROM. Like new in
packaging. $45 OBO
Contact ©cynicfallout

SHOWROOM for rent,
lightly used. Tri-Cit-
ies East, at the Water-
front. Dial 9*66#1*5
between 12:32 and
12:35am from any
payphone

LIBRE Entreposage
in well-kept barn.
Perfect for RV or
OVNI - utilities ex-
tra. Contact Old Man
Linger at the end of
the lane.

LOST & FOUND

MISSING "PET:"
One Sasquatch. An-
swers to "Frankie!'
Goodnatured and
friendly, but may be
startled by quick

movements/loud nois-
es. If found, Summon
OpenQNL CONTACT,
[form] and Growl
"convincingly!'

LOST 'innocence! If
found, please return
to 553 W Columbia.
Knock on the door,
and run away.

THE PERSON who
took toothpick from
Show-Business Bur-
rito Hut counter on
Elm without paying
is known and to avoid
trouble had better re-
turn it. No questions
asked.

FOUND garbage bag
full of other garbage
bags. It looks 'import-
ant! We are keeping it
unless we hear other-
wise. Dry River 1656

LOST: one alter-
nate-dimension you.
Green coronal cloud;
knives for teeth.
Speaks in white noise.
Appears gentle. Re-
ward offered. Contact
©lanyard.

PERSONALS

I SAW U: On the dance
floor @ Wisdom 3.2.
I was Proto-Ugarit-
ic Councilperson w/
black cape & fangs.
You were handsome
theriomorph w/ hard-
wired "moves" and a
delightful snuffle in
your snout, 'if you
know what I mean!
Want to come by
and 'read my palms'
sometime?

HONEST clairvoyant
seeks clever conman
for mutually 'benefi-
cial' partnership. Call
East 7125.

YOUNG business en-
tity looking for local
corporation to wed
for romance and tax
purposes. 1A5D-
3A241B@99F7E6D2.
ca

M.P - Everything is
'fixed! Come home!
We are taking good
care of your mon-
goose. ^THE FAM'.

LOOKING for estab-
lished entities in Ex-
istosphere to parasit-
ize. No "rough stuff!'
993@56399.cojp

TO "M," HMMMMM.

COMMUNITY

FREE 'personality
test' with any Begin-
ner OpenQNL pro-
gramming class. 575
Woodbridge, week-
days. Not a trick!

ELKS Club holding
annual Anthuor ball,
this Chemday night at
7pm. Come dressed
as your favorite salad
dressing.

CORRESPONDENCE
COURSE in Distance
Laptop Reiki. Con-
tact Inner.Help.Desk
for full details.

HAM SANDWICH
COUNCIL seeks fes-
tival princess. Purity
must be "intact" to
appease alien even-
toed ungulate god.
Submit your CV to
Pork Palace Business
Park, Suite #3.

■

THANK YOU

THANK YOU Mt Di-
ablo Detention Center
for "keeping him away
from us!

THANK YOU to ST.
ACHO for helping keep
me STEADFAST.

BIG THANKS to Big
Mesa Shopping Ora-
niplex for giving me a
flat tire!

THANK YOU: TPTB for
not trusting me to run
my own life and know
what's best for me and
my family and commu-
nity. You were 'so right'!

THX Anthuor for bring-
ing back my love!

Like A (rood
Coupon?

Of course! We all do!

So, why by the Apol-
lomian lyres, not try
the new improved

COUPON!^

-Print Your Own Coupons!
-For anything, anywhere!
-Save tons of money!

Send (1) crisp $100
bill with an SASE to:

COUPON-ATOR!
PO BOX 1175
TRI-CITIES

BOAT HULL
CLEANING

Too busy "changing the
world" to clean your wa-
ter-based vessel? Let us
take care of those pesky
barnyardacles! Our under-
water services are "TIME"
based. You "pay" for our
time. Initial payment due
upon our arrival in your
time-stream.

555-ANY-BOAT

Introducing a new kind
of dating app:

MEET-

We organize your proteins
into a near-perfect replica
of a real meetup. You don't
even need to leave your
couch. Upload(self) now
and start meeting today!